{Will Reagan: Nothing I Hold On To}
I recently made a difficult decision. I decided to postpone pursuing acting. This is something I have poured myself into for eight and a half years. For nearly a decade. And yet… I hear a call.
This call beckons me to step out. Beyond my comfort zone. Beyond my safety net. Beyond my own control. (Not that there’s all that much control with acting and the entertainment industry. But I digress.)
You see, this call I have heard is so clearly from God. I have sought Him, asked Him for direction, for a focus in my life that would use me to the fullest for His Kingdom – to bring a little more of it to this broken earth.
And He has answered me. In my own brokenness and imperfection and failures and shortcomings, I have heard Him call me so clearly to do something new, something different, something specific. He has given me a vision for a book – actually it has been in the making for years.
But now… Now I step out. Truly step out. I go forth in obedience and dedication and discipline to sit for hours on end writing and reading and praying and listening.
It’s a scary thing stepping out into the unknown. I am a first time author. I have never written a book. And even in this call, I still have questions.
On a walk this morning I was asking God some more specific questions about what He wants this season to look like. And I asked Him for a sign of clarity on something. And at that moment something caught my eye beneath my swiftly moving feet.
A grey something or other. I truly am not even sure what the material is. But I know this. It so clearly stood out to me as a heart.
I picked it up and I carried it in my hand carefully on the way home. And then my iPod Shuffle randomly started playing a song with the following lyrics by Audio Adrenaline:
“I want to be your hands. I want to be your feet. I’ll go where You will send me, Lord.”
Yes. Lord. This is my prayer. This is my cry, I thought.
He didn’t necessarily answer each detailed question I asked of Him this morning. But that’s okay. Because He gave me a pretty clear sign and inspiration and peace. And that’s this:
I want to be His hands and His feet. I want my life to be an offering to Him. I want to pursue His dreams over my own. I want to step out fearlessly beyond all comfort to the great unknown where I know that He is. I want to live in that “uncertain certainty” of a gospel-driven life that Henri Nouwen talks about.
And when I do? When I offer up my hands to Him – to His work? When I offer up my feet to Him – to His path? When I offer up my heart to Him – my imperfect, dusty heart (not unlike the one in my hand) – to His passions? Well, that’s when I will experience Him more clearly than ever before.
For He has called me. And He will not fail me. He will not be silent. He will not be hidden. He will not leave me to do the work with my hands alone or to walk the path under my feet alone.
This God I love and serve is the same God of yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He’s the same God of the Old Testament who provided great and incredible signs to His people as He guided them through the desert. He’s the same God who made miracles happen to win over hearts for Him. To show His presence and His power in big ways.
Who am I? Who am I to stand back in fear? Who am I to live in distrust of this most high King? I am His precious daughter, whom He loves, for whom He works all things together for good, whom He desperately wants to use. And He will do just that. It may not always look like I want it to look. It may not always turn out like I thought it would turn out.
But in the waiting, in the wandering, even in the wilderness, He is working, He is guiding, He is sovereign. His ways are higher than my ways. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. His heart so much more loving than my own. And if this God wants something to be done, it will get done.
And so I rest in that peace.
It’s not up to me to sort out every detail. It’s not up to me to know every specific answer to every specific question I may have. It’s up to me to wake up each day and ask God, “Lord, how would You use me today?” It’s up to me to seek Him with all my heart. It’s up to me to step out in response to His call. It’s up to me to be His hands. It’s up to me to be His feet. It’s up to me to go where He will lead me.
And when God gives me a revelation like this, I realize that what seemed scary before isn’t so scary anymore. And a decision to follow where He is leading doesn’t seem so difficult.
What is God calling you to today? Where does He want to use you? Where is He leading you to be His hands and His feet? Would our corporate cry be from our desperate hearts that long, that seek, that strive to be used in whatever way God would want to use us, on whatever path He’d like to take us, for a cause and a purpose and a glory that far outweighs the fleeting nature of everything in the world that is not directly from Him.
He’s a good, good Father. Let us run, not walk, toward Him today. And every day.
Would our anthem be simple: send me.
“So how can I thank you? What can I bring? What can these poor hands lay at the feet of a King?” – Nichole Nordeman, You Are Good
“Here’s my heart, Lord. Speak what is true.” – Crowder, Here’s My Heart
“I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.” – Will Reagan, Nothing I Hold On To
“I’ll go where you will send me, Lord.” – Audio Adrenaline, Hands and Feet
“So now, go. I am sending you…” – Exodus 3:10
