not following my dreams

Y’all I love piecing together the pieces of this puzzle that is life. I wrote this post back in January, just after I finished my almost hour long interview/audition with the KingdomWorks guys who created the short film that I just shot last week in Florida:

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I struggle with insecurity.

I just finished up my second of two auditions today, and while I feel confident in what I’m doing with my life – in where God has placed me – I feel incredibly insecure when I leave auditions!

This industry: the entertainment industry… it’s such a tough one. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent preparing for auditions, in class, in casting director workshops, networking, sending out postcards, writing thank you notes, or how many tears I’ve cried – both “real” and those while acting.

And of all the auditions I’ve been on, I’ve only booked a small handful. That’s just the nature of the “biz.” They say – whoever “they” is – that you only book about 5% of the auditions you go on. Now, I’m no mathematician, but I think it’s safe to say those are pretty terrible odds.

I actually was at a commercial audition recently where I saw this sign in the audition room:


{I definitely don’t take auditions for granted!}

I wouldn’t be betting my money on those odds stated in that photo above if I was gambling in Vegas, and yet in a way I’ve gambled my career on it.

And, as you can see, turns out I’m not the only one.

Sounds pretty dumb, right?

Wrong. You see, I can’t say the same for all, but as for me… I haven’t really gambled anything because I have someone who directs my path whom I can be so certain has my best interests at heart.


I saw another sign once at an audition that stood out to me. It said “Follow Your Dreams.”


These two photos seem to be telling me two very different things. One: that the odds are stacked against me. And two: that I should go for it!

While this world may pull me in all sorts of directions, and while I may be “gambling” the time I spend as an actress, I have a singular path before me. And that is everything. He is everything. His name is Jesus.

I have the One who made the universe, who is outside space and time, who leads me where He wants me to go.


And here’s where He’s led me:

I used to dream of being a successful actress. Now, I dream of being used by God. In whatever way He wants. On whatever path He wants. In whatever career He wants.

He may choose to use it in acting or writing or ministry or a slew of other areas. All I have to do is continue to dream about a life led by and lived for Him.

I used to be all about “following my dreams.” I’m a dreamer at heart. And yet, now, I say don’t follow your dreams. Follow God’s dream. His dream for you. And when you do? It’s funny – you just may find that your own dreams start looking less like your own and more like His own. Who knows? They may even merge together into a singular path.


Here I was answering God’s call to write a book {God’s answer to my request that He lead me on a singular path} so much so that I even let my theatrical agent go this past weekend. And lo and behold the following day I find out I have two auditions – one from some Christian producers who found my information through this very blog.

You never know how God is working, how He will use you. I still don’t know how He is going to use me. But I do know this – He tends to show in unexpected ways. He tends to be working behind the scenes. And He most definitely tends to work in some incredible, amazing, and truly awesome ways.

To Him be the glory. Toward Him be our path. Of Him be our dreams.


As Phillip Yancey and Tim Stafford write on Deuteronomy, “There is a very grave danger in getting what you want.” I would have to add… or in getting what you think you want.

I used to think I knew what I wanted. Now, I just want what God wants for me.

The promises of this world will fail. The promises of God will never fail.

The hope we place in the success of this world will fail to fill us. The hope we place in Christ never will.

The dreams we have often fade once realized. The dreams we have to be used by God will only become more vivid when we live them out.

. . . . . . .

I was feeling wrought with insecurity after that audition. I didn’t hear back for three weeks and had accepted the fact that I didn’t get the part. Except, that wasn’t a fact. Because I did get the part. I got an email that said the part was mine if I was still interested.

Yes! I was still interested! In doing God’s work? In bringing restoration to marriages through the content of this project? In being a tool in God’s Kingdom restoration in this world? Yes! Please!

Guys, last week was truly wonderful. To be flown across the country to be a part of a meaningful film was – I could say – a dream come true. And yet, it’s not my dream come true.

My “dream come true” is what I am doing every single day in my day to day life – no matter if that’s on set, at home, with ministry, in talking to strangers, as a wife, daughter, sister, and friend. Because I am living out this gift that is life with a vision for eternity. And that’s a hope that far outweighs any fleeting happiness this world will bring.

And I’ll be honest. Last night I had a bout of terrible anxiety. Sunday evening before a brand new week, and apparently this underlying, subconscious pressure I had put on myself to repeat last week’s “success” but in the form of writing my book came out – and it was not pretty!

Clay had to bear hug me and virtually squeeze out the insecurity as we prayed for God to take it from me. Lay it down, my sweet husband encouraged me.

The truth is we can never top our last week, our last “success,” our last accomplishment, creation, achievement… only God can. Through us. It is not up to us to hold the burden of having to achieve; this is a weight for the almighty God of the Universe to carry for us as He holds our right hand on the journey, as He points us in the direction of His marvelous light – this light that lights our path one step at a time, one day at a time.


After I wrapped the film shoot in Florida, I went and sat on a dock overlooking the Atlantic Ocean as the sun was setting, and I just reflected on God’s immense goodness. And grandness.


The day before I happened to open Facebook which told me that four years ago to the very day I was at the premiere of a short film I was in called Harper Abbott that I helped create with two filmmakers in Texas. I ended up making another short film called Riva with these very filmmakers two years ago… and it was this very project that led the KingdomWorks guys to find me, to contact me, to audition me this year –  four years later.

Turns out a project – a truly humble little family-friendly film – from four years ago helped pave the way to bring me to this project. God has a funny way of lining things up, over time, and piecing it all together. Who knows how far back this chain of events goes – likely farther than I could ever know.

I am so small compared to Him. My mind cannot fathom the grandeur of His ways.

And who knows where He will take me next…


I don’t have to be the one to control my life. And thank the Lord Himself for that! Because HE is in control. He made the puzzle. He designed it. And He is piecing each tiny little piece together – sometimes when I can’t even tell He’s doing it. Sometimes when I can’t even see it from where I stand.

In the Old Testament, the Israelites were on their way to the Promised Land. They had reached a huge river they would need to cross in order to take hold of that land that God had promised to them. They’d been on a really long journey – long, hot, tiring. Exhausted… and here was this huge obstacle in their way!

Or was it?

God instructed them to step into thee waters. What? These roaring, rushing waters? With all our belongings? With our children and elderly? No, thanks! God, can you give us a plan B? A better option? {or at least that’s what I would have thought}.

They had to put their feet in the rushing waters before the waters stopped – before God made a way for them to cross. Turns out God had already come to their rescue and stopped the flow of water from way upstream – they just couldn’t see it yet.

The moment their set their feet in that water, it stopped. They crossed the Jordan over dry land.

Turns out what they initially saw as an obstacle was actually an opportunity for God to work. For His glory and might and power and miracles to be displayed.


God has promised us greatness, great things that lie ahead… But into what waters is He first calling us in order to get there? What is He asking us to let go of so that He can place in our hands something even better?

Would we humble ourselves to realize that this life is not all about us. That maybe in the trails we endure on this journey God is choosing to use us to declare His Truth to this world. That maybe in the obstacles we face He is using us to be displays of His power. That maybe in our desert seasons that feel like the Israelites’ pre-Promised Land wandering He is preparing us for greater things.

Would we be so watchful that we would notice. Would we be so reflective that we would see how He is piecing together those pieces to create a beautiful masterpiece. My sweet friend Suzy once said in our bible study:

“We may only see the brushstrokes, but God sees the masterpiece.”


We are God’s masterpiece. Our lives are His masterpiece. But we – and our stories – and our journeys are only a small part of His story and the journey – nay, mission – He is on to bring His Kingdom restoration to this earth and fulfill His every promise.

And he’s a good God. I believe He wants to bless us. Just like how in midst of my path of obedience to write this book for Him, He chose to take me on a detour and bless me with the gift of acting He knows I so enjoy so He wants to surprise you with great blessings as you listen to His voice and follow His assignments for your own life.


I could go on for hours like this, but if there’s one thing I hope you take away from this tiny example from my life of late of God’s faithfulness and sovereignty and blessing, it’s this:

God is working behind the scenes even when we can’t see it, and He will carry us to completion in His Kingdom work, in His perfect timing, and through His almighty power.

Would you rest in that truth today. Like Mark Batterson says in the Circle Maker, would you work like it depends on you and pray like it depends on God. Whatever “it” is for you.

We don’t know what or when our “completion” of our own journeys will be, but we can be certain we are on the right path when we are following Jesus. When we follow Him, when we spend time with Him, when we do this journey with Him, with help from Him, and for Him, when we fall in love with Him, He takes our dreams, He takes our hearts and fills them with love for Him, and when He returns those dreams to us, we give them right back to Him.

He makes our dreams become His dreams. He makes any fulfillment of a dream an offering right back to Him. For a greater purpose than our own happiness. For a greater vision beyond the narrow scope of our lives. And for an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

Until next time…

“In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” {Philippians 1:4-6}

Until then – until that day of completion – would you feel your feet on the dry land that He has laid before you through His power and goodness. Would you walk forward, one step at a time in great joy and with abounding love for and proclamation of this God. Would a smile spread across your face for all He has done, is doing, and is going to do in and through your life, in and through the life of His Son, in and through His Kingdom come. Forever and ever, amen!

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here are some photos form our shoot!

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