I awoke to kisses and presents in bed.
I spent the day by the side of this man whom I love.
And as I headed up the stairs after a very full day, I hear him calling me back down. “It’s non-negotiable,” he says. I make my way back down the stairs, a sneaking suspicion of what he has in mind. He looks at me with that look in his eyes, steps to meet me under the mistletoe, and draws me in.
It’s moments like these that feel like those movie moments. They don’t come every day. But they come every once and a while. And while I know life isn’t like a fairy tale, I know that because of the promises God has given it’s better than one.
. . .
Another year has passed. Another lies ahead. So much reflection to do. So many thoughts in my head, longing to get out, to make their way onto a page–a handwritten page, a typed out page, a page in this journal or that, to any page…
I like that my birthday coincides with the end of one year and the beginning of a next. It feels with each year I have a sort of fresh start. And well, when I think about the God we know and love and serve, you, too, have a chance for a fresh start–no matter when your birthday falls. Because the beauty of it is that we all have a chance to start fresh with each day because of the mercies of our God that are new every morning {Lamentations 3:22-23}.
. . .
This morning began with kisses and presents. A sweet birthday note from my husband that brought tears to my eyes. As he wrote all those things he sees in me, and all the ways he sees God working on in me, and how he loves me in all of it.
The day continued with heading up to church where we got to be a part of a day where foster kids who don’t get a Christmas are given gifts and played with and talked to and loved on. And really the gift I wanted them to receive was that of knowing just how much they are loved by the God who gave us the greatest Gift of all… the reason for the season, if you will. The true and original reason for Christmas.
And then at brunch, my husband sits across from me, looks me in the eyes, and asks me what God has taught me this year…
. . .
So many things. One major breakthrough I had this year was the realization that I am beloved. I guess you could say it was my word for the year.
I still remember sitting in my office having been reading Scripture and hearing from the Lord, and sobbing my eyes out as I felt this truth wash over me. You are beloved. You are My beloved. And you are Clay’s beloved. And you don’t have to earn a single bit of it, I felt the Spirit tell me.
It was a revelation. Of epic proportions. For thirty-one years I think I have thought that I had to earn love, to prove myself, my value, my worth… And yet this God, who came down to be a baby, who humbled Himself to leave the Kingdom of Heaven to come to this treacherous world, who chose to live among us, to die for us, all while we were still sinners, still mocking Him, still throwing stones and hurling insults… well, this God says to all of us, You are loved. You are my beloved.
. . .
And then there was the realization–or continued realization–that I am not in control.
I had our lives all planned out, pretty and neat. Tidy and organized. I would finish my book, we would take a trip to Italy, we would move into a house, get pregnant, start a family. Everything seemed settled in a way, lined up, laid out.
And then July came. With a surprise. That they changed Clay’s position at the church. And well, it felt as if our lives were momentarily turned upside down. Like the wind had been knocked out of me. And then that very same week there was the long days we thought I might be pregnant and all the emotions that came with it–fear and excitement. And well, it just felt so fitting that God would bring that uncertainty at the time in our lives thus far that felt like the one of the greatest uncertainty… and well, He does have a sense of humor, that’s for sure.
And while we weren’t pregnant, and while He did provide Clay with a great position, that season rocked us a bit, showed me that nothing is guaranteed, laid out, set in stone. That the path is unknown, twisting and winding, and full of ups and downs. And well, that as much as I may plan my life and write it down and have my goals and lists… God is our Sovereign God who knows the True Plans. And who in His goodness, guides us lovingly and generously each and every step of the way.
It’s the uncertain certainty Henri Nouwen speaks of.
. . .
And so there was that. There were those lessons.
And as a reflected back more on the year and deeper into my soul, my eyes welled up and tears spilled out onto my cheeks and down onto my lap as I revealed to my husband my deep desire and feeling that There is more… so much more that I want to be, to become, to have God do in me and through me. I long to be a better wife to Clay–a sweet and loving and supportive and kind and caring and strong woman who is up for adventure and ready to take on this life and world and all the adventures that await. There is so much more I long to become–for God and for Clay. So much more…
He has done so much, brought me so far, taught me so much in this last year; and while I see the progress, there is still so much farther I long to travel on this journey to becoming more like Christ.
. . .
As I blew out my birthday candles last night, I closed my eyes and made a wish. And this year it was a wish different than any other. This year I wished–or rather prayed–to become more like Jesus.
Truly.
It may sound cheesy. Or trite. But it’s the most genuine desire of my heart.
It’s not to produce something, accomplish something tangible, that the world may praise with accolades or money or fame… It’s a work I long for God to accomplish in me, that may never be recognized by the world, but that I know will make the world a little bit of a better place… that I know will help to bring a little more of God’s Kingdom to this broken world.
. . .
It’s the coolest thought to think that God wants to restore every broken part of my soul, and use me–broken me, damaged me, imperfect me–and you, too–in all your brokenness and damage and imperfections–to bring His Kingdom to this earth, to bring restoration to this weary world.
What a thrill of hope.
A thrill of hope; the wear world rejoices…
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn…
Fall on your knees…
O, hear the angels’ voices.
O, night divine, O night, O night divine.
May our darkest of nights make possible the even brighter shining of the light of Jesus into our lives. May our weariest of souls rejoice in the thrill of the hope that we have been give through Jesus Christ. May each morning be a new and glorious morning full of hope to a second, third, fourth, and infinite new chance to fall on our knees, to surrender our lives to the Giver or life, who fills our lungs with breath, who is the living water for our souls. And may we hear the angels’ voices singing praises of a divine night that changed everything for our world and our souls.
. . .
Oh, what a good God.
Oh, what a great design.
Oh, what a thrill of the hope we have in Him–for this year and every year to come.
Oh, how I long for 32–no matter what it brings–to bring more of Jesus into my life, and to pour more of Jesus out from my life.
Oh, how I long for that to be the very desire of every soul in this weary world.
. . .
Let us rejoice, in this new beginning, of the gift of today, of the hope we have in tomorrow, and of the true meaning of what tomorrow, Christmas Day, represents. The greatest Gift, given by our Father of heavenly lights who does not change like the shifting shadows {James 1:17}.
Whether you are 32 or 72 or 22 or 42…
