There was a time when I found myself on the cold concrete of my kitchen floor. I was navigating through a time of confusion – or despair, rather – in regards to my physical health. It happened to be at night, which felt completely appropriate. My now fiancé held me as I sobbed in his lap. I felt I had reached rock bottom.
In my life I have been one to say I believe, to say I have faith, to say I trust God with my life – that He will never leave or forsake me (Duet 31:8), that He will never give me more than I can handle (1 Cor 10:13), that He is right there by my side through it all (Psalm 118:6).
Yet in these times of despair, I have also been the one to doubt – to question, to complain, to blame God for not showing up when I want Him to, or how I want Him to. I have been one to cry out in anger, to call Him unfaithful, to allow my aching heart to cloud my better judgment, to mask what I know to be true, to let my temporary feelings override the one and constant Truth that I know…
“I’ve been the one to believe that where I am You cannot reach.” – Mercy Me, You Are I Am
Yet in all my doubt, in all my faltering, in all my crying out, and in all the wavering of my faith, His faithfulness never does.
When I don’t see Him, He has still been there. When I have failed to look for Him, He’s been waiting. When I have felt abandoned, He has been working behind the scenes. Throughout every “dark night of the soul” in my life (that’s a screenwriting term!) It has all been for His good and for His glory.
“The Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6
And because of that, I can safely say:
“I will remember with jubilee every single moment; every memory.” – Leeland, Pages
Even the darkest memories on the coldest of nights (or kitchen floors). For I have truly found the gift – the freedom – of being able to say that of my life. And you know what is so beautiful about that time I was on that kitchen floor? Well, that was the second time I had found myself there. The first was during an uncertain and confusing time in a past relationship, and I was there on that floor alone. And yet this second time, I saw such a tangible redemption of that dark night as I lay in my sweet, loving, and godly boyfriend’s arms where I felt so safe, so cared for, so at peace even in the midst of a trial.
While of course there are things I would take back in my past – decisions I have made, compromises I have made, regrets that I have – and while there are things I would never choose for my life (a 22-year journey in dealing with a fake front tooth, the deep grief of losing a best friend at eighteen years old, the chronic pain of back and stomach I issues, and so much more), I see the Lord working in it all. And I know that He can redeem all things. All pain. All trials. All darkness. Has has in the past. And He will continue to in the future.
Even the things and places in my life where I feel like I could still easily find myself on my knees – or flat on my face – crying out to God at any moment (for healing for my body in the handful of health-related issues I feel so lost in, wandering in, tired in the journey of…) I see His faithfulness in so many ways – in the doctors he has provided, in the knowledge he has led me to, and in the hope he has put in my heart.
I know He is stronger than my weakness. He is faithful in the faltering of my heart. He is healer in the midst of my illness.
“I’ve never been stranded, abandoned, or left here to fight alone, so I’m giving you control. I lift my life, lift my life up… I lift my heart, lift my heart up… Have your way in me… Take my life and let it be all for You and for Your glory.” – Unspoken, Lift My Life Up
I invite you to join me for an incredible weekend of stories of hope and healing, or faithfulness and restoration of brokenness, of wisdom and of truth from some godly women in their 30s who want to share with women in their 20s the truth they have found in their lives of the Lord’s constant beckoning to take a step into the light as we lift our eyes up to Him.
“The night is finally over; take a step into the light.” – Phil Wickham, This Is The Day
“When I reach rock bottom, that’s when I look up.” – Matthew West, Strong Enough
Lift16. Join me?
Lift16: Lift your eyes. Redlands, CA. April 8-9, 2016. $35 only. Don’t miss it. Sign up today! Lift16.com.