a light in the darkness


I have faced a dark road of health issues over the last twelve years. From complications with a fake tooth to chronic back pain and stomach issues (which we now know were highly likely to be related!), it has been quite a grueling journey. I have struggled, questioned, doubted God in these dark and uncertain times, yet He has never failed to show up so faithfully and tangibly in my life. 

This year He has brought me a fiancé. This year He has brought me this man with whom I will spend the rest of my life. This year He has brought me such light. 

Clay came into my life with such light and hope from day one. I looked across that room at Foundry and thought, “Who is that?” His smile and laughter lit up the room. I didn’t even know he worked at the church at that point. All I knew was I wanted to know him better.

“I just want to know you better, know you better, know you better….” – Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran, Everything Has Changed

Everything truly did change when I met Clay. It took him ten months to ask me out, but once he did it was game over. I was head over heels in love with this man (though I waited for him to say it first!) He was the light I was waiting for after all these years of disappointment and loneliness.

Now, I must clarify this disappointment and loneliness: I was merely disappointed by men – or boys, rather – in my life. I looked around at godly couples and thought, “That’s what I want!” Yet it never seemed to exist for me. And I experienced loneliness in the way of being a mere human being who naturally longs for companionship. But ultimately I always had hope for the life God had laid out for me and always felt comforted by His great presence in my life. 

And then He brought me Clay.

Clay showed up as such hope breaking through that disappointment. He brought such companionship that shattered that loneliness, or longing, rather. He showed up in my life with such light – these beautiful, beaming rays of reflection of the ultimate source of light that is God in our lives. Truly Clay is such a visible example of how God chooses to bless us with light from others who shine His light. 

This photo is the first I’ve seen from our engagement shoot, and it couldn’t be a more appropriate representation of Clay’s presence in my life. As I sit here on the couch, puffy-cheeked, recovering from my second surgery in the two months we have been engaged, I am filled with joy. I am filled with comfort. I am filled with peace.

Clay, thank you for being such light in my life. You were so. worth. the. wait. I love you dearly.

“You looked just like the winter dressed in the light.” – The Paper Kites

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