Being engaged is hard.
That’s the conclusion I have come to. Yes, it is wonderful beyond compare. But it is not the easiest time.
Last night I drove Clay back to his place after a great night of community with our young adults group from church. By the time we got there it was 11:00PM. I helped him carry some stuff inside, and he walked me back to tell me goodbye. And as he hugged me through the window, he noticed… My tank was almost on empty.
I hopped back into the passenger side as he hopped into the driver’s side to take me to go fill up. And somewhere along the way I just got really sad… granted when I am exhausted late at night everything I am feeling is heightened. But I was legitimately filled with a sadness that stems from the exhaustion I was feeling, the great resistance I was feeling to driving all the way back to the westside so late at night, and mostly from my longing to be by his side – literally, to just be with him, to be next to him, and just be.
It seems our days have been filled from sunrise to midnight lately, and I feel that my own “tank” has been running on empty. I am longing for the days when in the midst of the busyness we have that built-in downtime together. I am longing for the days when I can fall asleep in his arms. I am longing for the days when I can say “goodnight” and not “goodbye.”
And then I stop and pause to think… what is the lesson here that God wants me to learn in preparation for marriage? Well, there are probably many. (God has a way of multi-tasking like that.) But one that stands out to me in particular is that I need to cherish the time we have together instead of complaining about the little that we do. Because in marriage, we will both still be busy, our schedules will be just as filled, and I know myself – I crave more downtime than life usually permits, so I know that I will always be longing for more time to just be with Clay.
It makes me think of how this side of Heaven we are never fully satisfied. There is a longing in our hearts that will not be fulfilled until we meet our Savior face to face. So I think of that picture of longing, and I feel that feeling of emptiness, and I am reminded to make the most of the time I have here on this earth – and the time that I have with this wonderful man with whom God has blessed me. And I reminded that we are living here for eternity where we will be truly filled. In the meantime all the stuff and people on this earth are just a wonderful bonus.
So when I feel empty? That’s okay. It’s a reminder of all that is to come. And for me in the season? Well, it’s such a great reminder that in just three months my life will be filled with more time with this man that I love. Because God is just so good like that.
“You are a sight for aching eyes; a river for my thirst…” – Dustin Kensrue, Of Crows and Crowns
“And I’m waiting for the day we can be together and we can say, goodnight and good morning.” – Cecilio & Kapono, Goodnight and Goodmorning
“The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.” – Lamentations 3:25