“I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.” – Will Reagan, Nothing I Hold on to
Last night I had a breakdown. You know the kind – the snotty, messy, “ugly cry” kind of breakdown. Yeah… one of those.
It was over the smallest of things, yet I feel it was merely “the straw that broke the camel’s back.” You see, planning a wedding is difficult and stressful under any normal circumstances. It is a true test of character and patience that I feel like I have failed over and over. And pile on all the other things I have been “carrying” with me, and sometimes I really feel like I am failing.
Since I have been engaged, I have undergone two surgeries, spent many hours in waiting rooms, in doctor’s offices and sitting in LA traffic. I have been so busy with other obligations that I have not been able to focus on my own creative endeavors which feed and fill my soul. I feel like I have not been the daughter, sister, mentor, and friend I want to be to the people I care about in my life. I feel like I have been failing in all areas, and last night it all came crashing down.
My sweet fiancé so patiently sat with me and helped me process. After much babbling on my part, we finally got to the root of my emotion – I feel a daily shortcoming in my inability to achieve all that I want to accomplish.
He first made me laugh through my tears as he proceeded to list out all the (many) things he has yet to accomplish on his own list (some of which are wedding- and life-related tasks that he has told me he would do!) But nonetheless it made me feel so much better to know that even he – who truly always seems so at peace with all he has going on – feels the same way I do. As I went from crying to laughing and back again, he then spoke some wonderful truth into my life. He said:
“You are never going to be able to accomplish all you want to do in a day, but you are always enough. And nothing that I love about you has anything to do with what you produce.”
Even writing those words now causes me to pause and take a deep sigh of relief.
I am enough. You are enough. We are all enough. Despite that which we achieve, despite that which we produce, despite that which we accomplish. We are children of God and our Father loves us dearly – just for being, not for doing. Romans 5:8 tells us that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. That’s how much he loves us.
I am realizing (it’s been a long-time coming) that I hold on a bit too tightly to that which I want to accomplish. I hold onto “to do” lists, to goals, to these deep desires I have to create. And while the things I want to do are good things that I want to accomplish for the Lord, I must step back and be able to rest. To be able to let go. To be able to say, “You are God. And I trust you – that you will provide. That you will meet all my needs. That with your help I will get everything done that I need to do and be able to let go of that which I don’t need to do.” Because it’s not up to me to carry these burdens. It’s up to me to lay them down.
I told Clay towards the end of our conversation last night, “There are just about only two things that I know in my life: that I am loved by God, and that I want to walk through this life with you.” I am so grateful for Clay and his companionship. As we head into marriage (85 days and counting!) I pray these lyrics below are true of my life and my heart – because as I know that just as my earthly accomplishments will never satisfy, as wonderful as Clay is he will never fulfill me in the ways my Savior can.
Oh and one more thing I know? That I have got to learn to let go… of everything that is not my foundation in Christ.
“There’s nothing I hold onto.” – Will Reagan, Nothing I Hold on to
“I’m the one you love; let that be enough.” – Switchfoot, Let That Be Enough