their due date

Today was their due date, the day I was supposed to welcome them into my arms. Instead I hold this necklace representing their sweet little lives.

I still don’t know why some babies live and others don’t. I still don’t know why we had to create their lives, fall in love with them instantly, and then lose them. I still have so many unanswered questions. But one thing I know is this—that while I’m not holding them in my arms today, Jesus is.

And so I allow Him to hold onto my questions, to hold me in His nail-scarred hands, to hold onto all the feelings of grief and joy that wash over me today. Joy for the life He has given, joy for the life that moves inside my belly even as I write this. Joy for the unshakable confidence I have in the truth of these lyrics:⠀

“I’m still in Your hands.
This is my confidence,
You’ve never failed me yet.”

It may feel like my God has failed me at times. And yet His Truth tells me otherwise. While I may not understand so much on this earth, I know that I also cannot understand the vastness and depth of His love for me. I know His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. And I know that He is telling the most epic Redemption Story with every word from His Scriptures.

And so I rest in these truths today. And I pray that if you have experienced a similar loss that you would, too.


necklace: Seeded Hope
photo: Apple Rose Photography

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