the day we became parents

October 3.

It’s a hard day. It’s the day we became parents. To babies we would never get to hold.

It’s been quite a journey of healing over this last year. And I still think about those babies and cry for their lives sometimes. The truth is, I miss them. And I wonder what their lives would have held. I wonder what they would have looked like. I wonder…

And yet they are with Jesus, and of that I am certain.

There was an innocent joy we had that day we saw the positive pregnancy test… an innocent joy we will never have again. The innocent joy has been taken by the searing pain of loss that followed.

We have a daughter now, and I can’t even begin to put into words how much I love her, how full she makes my heart, how much I see God’s goodness and blessing each time I look at her.

He really is a good God, and He has gifted us with this most incredible blessing of a tiny, intricate and sweet baby girl. Our Noelle. The daughter I dreamt of naming my entire life. And I know she wouldn’t be here if they were.

And so it’s messy and it’s complicated and even a year later I still don’t know how to sort it all in my brain. But I do know that God has carried me through it all. Through all the waves of grief. Through all the waves of healing. Through all the waves of both joy and discomfort in pregnancy. Through the waves of agony in labor. Through the waves of life that continue on with each breath, each day, each year I have been given.

Third Day sings in their song Mountain of God, “Sometimes I think of where it is I’ve come from and the things I’ve left behind. But of all I’ve had, what I possessed nothing can quite compare with what’s in front of me.”

I know what’s in front of me is going to be good. Because our good God will carry me through it all. And though I have been through the valley, I feel like I am standing on the mountain of God. With all the experiences that make me who I am today. And I am thankful that it is mama to both of those babies and now to our sweet Noelle.

If you have lost a child, there are no words I can say to you. All I can do is share the words of my journey and hope that they provide you with a little bit of comfort knowing you are not alone and pray that these words point you to the God who will also carry you.

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