sorrow and love

I’m not sure exactly what triggered it. Something we were watching on TV. But it got me thinking about it—about them—again.

And as I thought about them, and as I thought about the season I am in now—of healing, of restoring and strengthening my body—I couldn’t help but wonder… If I had found Happy Healthy Littles sooner, if I had gotten my body healthier, would I have lost those babies?

Of course the doubts have come before—many times.
The wondering.
The guilt.

And while I know everyone says, “It’s not your fault; you didn’t do anything wrong”—as Clay told me again last night—I can’t help but wonder and doubt.⠀⠀

I hugged him tightly. Then loosened my grasp as I lingered, tears pouring from my eyes now down onto his shirt. (If I had a dollar for every time I’ve done that!)
He didn’t say anything else.
He just held me.

I just needed the moment. Needed to honor them. Needed to grieve them once more. To remember their presence and feel their absence.

As I made my way into our room to get ready for bed, the following words—or lyrics, rather—came to mind:

“Sorrow and love flow mingled down.”

They were vibrant.
Clear as day.

Of course these lyrics are about the cross. But it’s how I feel about those babies—sorrow and love intermingled in my tears.

And then I think about the cross, I think about what it means—for them, for me, for us—and it’s such a beautiful and tragic and hope-filled reminder of this life and all its sorrows.

*No matter the sorrow we face, it’s intermingled with love*

because Christ SO loved us and didn’t want sorrow to be the end of the story that He made a way for it not to be.

He made a way for love to be the final page in our story.

And so, here, as I sit in the meantime, in the in between pages, in this paragraph cozied up on our bed next to the man I love and father I adore and admire, I will hold sorrow and love together—one in each hand—bringing them together as I lift up my hands in prayer to the One who holds me and all these messy emotions together. Because of His great love. For me. For them. For us.

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