I Don’t Understand It

// on grief and loss and the unanswered questions of this life //

I sat in church on Sunday and hot tears flooded my eyes, pouring down my cheeks more quickly than I could wipe them away. As we sang the words “You are faithful. You’ve never failed me yet,” I had a difficult time doing so without a sudden burst of grief rushing in.

I think about those babies we lost, the lives that were growing inside of me, and while I will proclaim that God is faithful until the day I die, I just can’t quite wrap my mind around why He didn’t allow those babies to live.

I thought back to a sermon I heard in South Africa a couple of years ago. “Sometimes you just have to put things into the ‘I Don’t Understand It’ file drawer” the pastor said. I nodded my head and thought “good word” never dreaming I’d find myself having to file this thing away there.

I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why Clay and I will never get to hold our twin babies in our arms. I don’t understand why God didn’t perform that miracle but performs so many others. I don’t understand why people have healthy babies every day and sadly sometimes don’t even want them. It makes no sense to me. I don’t understand it.

And yet I suppose understanding is not what I need. Because as Scripture tells us God’s ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts {Isaiah 55:8-9}. We will never fully understand so many things this side of Heaven.

What I suppose I need instead of understanding is to turn my grieving eyes to gaze upon His faithfulness and my wondering mind to sit beneath His wonder.

What I suppose I need is to surrender my questions to Him, allowing Him to hold my grieving heart until I one day get to see our babies in Heaven.⠀⠀

What I suppose I need is to allow Him to hold my questions until the day when He will answer them all. Face to face. Oh, what a day of wonder that will be.

As Clay asked me what was wrong and I told him with what I was struggling, he paused for a brief moment before saying, “Do you remember that sermon from South Africa?” My tear-filled eyes squinted into a smile.

Until that day when all my questions are answered, my “I Don’t Understand It” file may grow. But so does my proclamation of His great faithfulness.

You are faithful; God, you are faithful.

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