This was my first and only baby bump photo. The quality isn’t great. It’s pixelated. And yet it’s a special photo for me.
October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and today I remember the two babies that were inside my belly on the day I took this photo.
Miscarriage is horrifying. Tragic. Insanely painful. Excruciating… which, that word, of course makes me think of the cross.
I am grateful that this miscarriage wasn’t the end of my story or theirs. I am grateful that I know these two babies are with Jesus now in Heaven–fully loved, perfectly known. And I am grateful that I now have a rainbow baby–a true sign of God’s faithfulness, our sunshine after the storm.
As I reflect on this chapter in our story, my heart is burdened once again by the heaviness of the grief. It is so deeply sad to think of the immense and innocent joy we felt, only to have it followed by the deepest, darkest pit of grief I have ever experienced.
That being said, God met me in my grief. And while I couldn’t always feel Him there, He was. And there were other things that helped me through that dark time. And for any mamas out there who are going through this tragic chapter in their story, I want to share with you some things that helped me through my own.
7 things that helped me through my miscarriage
- a good heating pad
I used mine every day for about a month–for as long as the cramping lasted. It was such a source of relief and comfort for my empty and aching belly.
There’s something about this show that brought joy and comfort to me in such a hard time. Sometimes you just need to zone out for a moment and not think about it.
But of course we need to turn to God. I will admit I was so angry, confused, and lonely. I didn’t feel God in that time. I didn’t see Him in that space. But still I read Scripture each day and journaled. And what I didn’t realize at the time was that He really did show up there. It wasn’t until months later when I went back and read what I’d written that I saw that truth. He hears your cries. He never leaves us. He is always there in our deepest pain.
- Hope Mommies
This sweet community of mamas who have lost babies blessed me so much. It was so nice knowing there were other moms who knew what I was going through. And I was sent a Hope Mommies box that was so full of encouragement and comfort. They also have a book called Anchored which I wish I had right when I had miscarried. I remember telling Clay I wanted some sort of devotional specific to miscarriage because it was truly so much for my mind and heart to try to process.
- Seeded Hope
Amy, a mama who has experienced loss herself, makes and sells necklaces with tiny little Forget-Me-Not seeds in them for moms who have lost babies. I had her make me a special necklace with two seeds in it–one for each of our babies. I still wear it around my neck, pretty much every day. And what’s truly sweet is that our rainbow baby, Noelle, loves to gently play with it.
God met me in my prayers–the deepest prayers of grief and anger and honesty and sheer brokenness. He blessed me with the gift of a vision of each of our babies. I have that gift to hold onto any time I feel sad about losing them. It fills me with hope that I will get to see them again one day through Heaven’s gates.
- walks outside
There’s nothing like getting out into the fresh air, listening to some Christian music, and just walking with God. I hear from Him so much in nature–whether that be on city sidewalks or somewhere more secluded. He gave me a prayer rock or two on those walks.
The Lord meets each of us uniquely in our suffering. I pray He meets you clearly in yours. I pray you feel His presence tangibly. And I pray He gives you visions, confirmations of His love, and the deep comfort only He can provide.
I am always here if you feel alone and want to reach out. I would be happy to share in our sufferings–as Scripture says, that we might also share in Christ’s future glory (1 Peter 4:13).